Still the greatest commerical ever!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Crazy People...
The world is full of crazy people, point and case:
One of my 'co-workers,' I tend not to call her a co-worker as she doesn't do any work as far as anyone can tell just shuffle things back together (the same things she has done for years, every year) at the last minute, responded to an email that I had sent saying that she had resolved an issue.
I then emailed her back and pointed out that she had resolved a symptom of an issue not the issue itself and that her email was misleading.
She then proceded to complain to my boss that she had taken offense to my email. My boss then told me that I should be "softer" in how I write my emails.
Lets face it people, the US has become a country where you have to tip toe around people's feelings and emotions and this and that because everyone is so sensitve.
I'd like to write this as my response to people who feel that their emotional stability is determined by emails they receive at work:
Dear feeble attempt at a human,
When Charles Darwin wrote that only the strong survive he was pointing out that your sad little emotions that allow you to be upset because someone called you out for overstepping your boundries mean that you should go home and shove your head and a toaster into a full sink of water.
The planet is over populated and we really don't need you here taking up the usable air that remains. The trees do not need to genereate oxygen for you, it really is a waste of their time and I care more about their needs than your fragile emotional issues.
So, my fellow Americans (and anyone else that falls in this catagory) why don't you place an order on the Internet for a pair of balls and stop acting like the world gives a shit about you because it doesn't. We don't care about your feelings, we don't care about the weather where you are, and we don't care about what you did over the weekend.
Sit down, shut up, do your job or get the hell of the damd planet.
Your humble servent,
The last US citizen not on a mood altering drug.
The world is full of crazy people, point and case:
One of my 'co-workers,' I tend not to call her a co-worker as she doesn't do any work as far as anyone can tell just shuffle things back together (the same things she has done for years, every year) at the last minute, responded to an email that I had sent saying that she had resolved an issue.
I then emailed her back and pointed out that she had resolved a symptom of an issue not the issue itself and that her email was misleading.
She then proceded to complain to my boss that she had taken offense to my email. My boss then told me that I should be "softer" in how I write my emails.
Lets face it people, the US has become a country where you have to tip toe around people's feelings and emotions and this and that because everyone is so sensitve.
I'd like to write this as my response to people who feel that their emotional stability is determined by emails they receive at work:
Dear feeble attempt at a human,
When Charles Darwin wrote that only the strong survive he was pointing out that your sad little emotions that allow you to be upset because someone called you out for overstepping your boundries mean that you should go home and shove your head and a toaster into a full sink of water.
The planet is over populated and we really don't need you here taking up the usable air that remains. The trees do not need to genereate oxygen for you, it really is a waste of their time and I care more about their needs than your fragile emotional issues.
So, my fellow Americans (and anyone else that falls in this catagory) why don't you place an order on the Internet for a pair of balls and stop acting like the world gives a shit about you because it doesn't. We don't care about your feelings, we don't care about the weather where you are, and we don't care about what you did over the weekend.
Sit down, shut up, do your job or get the hell of the damd planet.
Your humble servent,
The last US citizen not on a mood altering drug.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)
Lets face it, now a days we have a syndrome for everything! Back in the 1800s there was no ADD, there was no RLS. Why? Because people didn't sit on their assess for 16 hours a day and sleep the other 8.
Come on... there is a FOUNDATION for RLS?!?!? You can see it at: http://www.rls.org/ when will doctors come out and just say "GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS YOUR FAT BASTARD!"?
Kids are overweight, parents are out of shape (not that I can say I am any better on this one) and the average US citizen believed George Bush was the best man for the job...
Come on people!!!!
Lets face it, now a days we have a syndrome for everything! Back in the 1800s there was no ADD, there was no RLS. Why? Because people didn't sit on their assess for 16 hours a day and sleep the other 8.
Come on... there is a FOUNDATION for RLS?!?!? You can see it at: http://www.rls.org/ when will doctors come out and just say "GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS YOUR FAT BASTARD!"?
Kids are overweight, parents are out of shape (not that I can say I am any better on this one) and the average US citizen believed George Bush was the best man for the job...
Come on people!!!!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Proof there is a God!
Over the weekend we went to a birthday party where there were about eight or nine kids (maybe). Most of them were related but there were a few kids from the celebrant's school.
One of the mystery children was playing at the train table and Nora was trying to do the same. The little boy did not want her to be there so he pushed her, that didn’t do anything other than move her, so he moved towards here and kept pushing her down the table. When they ran out of table space he shoved her against the couch and she fell. Looking up at the little boy and me I started to move over there but she did not cry so I left it at that.
That is when the little boy who shoved her started to cry. He was so upset that she wanted to play at the train table (which of course wasn’t his and was big enough for all of the kids to play at) that he started to cry and his mother comes running over.
She starts to tell the boy that Nora is a baby and that he has to be careful. At this point I am starting to get a little mad and I really wanted to say, “The only baby I see here is the one that is crying because someone else wanted to play with the trains.” But knowing the horror that probably would have unleashed I let it go and in the end I am glad I did.
Why am I glad… because revenge is a dish best served cold…
While leaving the house with his mother, the little boy did a face plant off of the step right in front of me. I had been waiting for them to come down the stairs so I could go back in. His mother bent over to comfort him, I walked past them both with a HUGE smile on my face.
Vengeance is even better when it is just bad footing that brings it about.
Over the weekend we went to a birthday party where there were about eight or nine kids (maybe). Most of them were related but there were a few kids from the celebrant's school.
One of the mystery children was playing at the train table and Nora was trying to do the same. The little boy did not want her to be there so he pushed her, that didn’t do anything other than move her, so he moved towards here and kept pushing her down the table. When they ran out of table space he shoved her against the couch and she fell. Looking up at the little boy and me I started to move over there but she did not cry so I left it at that.
That is when the little boy who shoved her started to cry. He was so upset that she wanted to play at the train table (which of course wasn’t his and was big enough for all of the kids to play at) that he started to cry and his mother comes running over.
She starts to tell the boy that Nora is a baby and that he has to be careful. At this point I am starting to get a little mad and I really wanted to say, “The only baby I see here is the one that is crying because someone else wanted to play with the trains.” But knowing the horror that probably would have unleashed I let it go and in the end I am glad I did.
Why am I glad… because revenge is a dish best served cold…
While leaving the house with his mother, the little boy did a face plant off of the step right in front of me. I had been waiting for them to come down the stairs so I could go back in. His mother bent over to comfort him, I walked past them both with a HUGE smile on my face.
Vengeance is even better when it is just bad footing that brings it about.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Thursday, December 28, 2006
FORD DIES OF BROKEN HEART
After learning of the death of American legend James Brown Gerald Ford decided he could not go on. He had suffered through falling down dozens of flights of airplane stairs, knowing that two Bushs were in the White House and that Clinton got a lot of bush in the oval office himself but the final straw was the loss of Brown.
Ford's last words were of course "Whoa-oa-oa! I don't feel good, I knew that I would, now I don't feel good, I knew that I would, now So not good, so not good..."
Because these things happen in threes K-Fed has decided not to leave his house, knowing that if two legends like Ford and Brown went out he is most likely next.
After learning of the death of American legend James Brown Gerald Ford decided he could not go on. He had suffered through falling down dozens of flights of airplane stairs, knowing that two Bushs were in the White House and that Clinton got a lot of bush in the oval office himself but the final straw was the loss of Brown.
Ford's last words were of course "Whoa-oa-oa! I don't feel good, I knew that I would, now I don't feel good, I knew that I would, now So not good, so not good..."
Because these things happen in threes K-Fed has decided not to leave his house, knowing that if two legends like Ford and Brown went out he is most likely next.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The St. Louis Bluesers
Today I read an article that stated: “The Blues have a lot to smile about after breaking their 11 game loosing streak with an IMPRESSIVE win over Pittsburgh 4-1.”
Now, lets ignore the fact that they lost 11 games in a row and have not won more than 2 games in a row all season or the fact that most of the players they picked up in the off season have Stanley Cups in their display cases. What we cannot ignore is that a 4-1 victory has been called ‘Impressive’ or that a team that has sunk so far that they lost their coach because the players no longer listened to him or that we have players who should be selling ice cream in the park. The Blues players lack one thing…
Heart.
Every night these overpaid pieces of has been hockey players go to sleep they should cry. They should think back to how much fun they had playing hockey when they were 6 years old (although from the way Dead Weight plays hockey I imagine he never really enjoyed the game). Now just to set the stage for you, I have seen a LOT of hockey in my life… can I quote you facts and figures on hockey players? No, because hockey is not something to be broken down by the numbers it is a game. It is something that can only be played from the heart (like any sport).
The Blues players step out on that ice and give it their all for a full 10, maybe 15 minutes. Most of the game they are just spectators as other teams blur by them on their way to another easy victory. They simply lack any work ethic, that is if they have any ethic at all. The loss of their coach proves that. The Blues players are so sad that they just up and decided to stop listening to their leader. The team quit on each other, their coach, and their fans.
The owners promised the fans that the Blues would not be outworked this season. That promise lasted till about 2 minutes into the second period of the first game.
For those that think I am just bitching, I have a solution for the Blues…
Step 1: Send EVERY player down to Peoria and bring the Rivermen up. Let a team that knows where their heart is play for a while. Is this a drastic step? Yes. Does any player on the Blues team deserve to stay in the majors? No. They all need a wakeup call, they need to learn that they are not there because they have the right to be there but that EACH of them has to earn their way back onto the roster.
Step 2: Smack Dead Weight upside his head. This punk has been a drag on the Blues for years. Sure he was on a cup winning team last year but he was INJURED! Not to mention the team had the thing that Doug has never shown, HEART!!! HEART!!! DAMD IT THEY PLAYED THEIR ASSES OFF! Weight coasts into the defensive zone, coasts into the offensive zone. Scoring goals isn’t everything Doug (and no one is impressed with your, what… 4 goals???)
Now, for Keith Kachoke… This was the one player on the Blues team three years ago that I thought worked. I do not feel that is true anymore. There is an infection in the team and it has taken hold of every player.
If the Blues want to root this out they need to crack down. They need to put some feet into the ass of some players. If a player does not skate for 60 minutes they sit for the next 60 minutes. If a player fails the next time then they get to be a beer vendor for the next game. Fail again and you stand out side with a sign that says “I have no heart, this is where you money goes!”
When the Blues players look around at the 12 fans that come to watch them play do they think there is a issue with loyalty or do they realize that they have insulted their fans with their lack of play. Fans will pay to see a team that works for 60 minutes but the Blues have proved that you cannot make someone come to a game to watch the other team get to practice with a bunch of pylons.
Today I read an article that stated: “The Blues have a lot to smile about after breaking their 11 game loosing streak with an IMPRESSIVE win over Pittsburgh 4-1.”
Now, lets ignore the fact that they lost 11 games in a row and have not won more than 2 games in a row all season or the fact that most of the players they picked up in the off season have Stanley Cups in their display cases. What we cannot ignore is that a 4-1 victory has been called ‘Impressive’ or that a team that has sunk so far that they lost their coach because the players no longer listened to him or that we have players who should be selling ice cream in the park. The Blues players lack one thing…
Heart.
Every night these overpaid pieces of has been hockey players go to sleep they should cry. They should think back to how much fun they had playing hockey when they were 6 years old (although from the way Dead Weight plays hockey I imagine he never really enjoyed the game). Now just to set the stage for you, I have seen a LOT of hockey in my life… can I quote you facts and figures on hockey players? No, because hockey is not something to be broken down by the numbers it is a game. It is something that can only be played from the heart (like any sport).
The Blues players step out on that ice and give it their all for a full 10, maybe 15 minutes. Most of the game they are just spectators as other teams blur by them on their way to another easy victory. They simply lack any work ethic, that is if they have any ethic at all. The loss of their coach proves that. The Blues players are so sad that they just up and decided to stop listening to their leader. The team quit on each other, their coach, and their fans.
The owners promised the fans that the Blues would not be outworked this season. That promise lasted till about 2 minutes into the second period of the first game.
For those that think I am just bitching, I have a solution for the Blues…
Step 1: Send EVERY player down to Peoria and bring the Rivermen up. Let a team that knows where their heart is play for a while. Is this a drastic step? Yes. Does any player on the Blues team deserve to stay in the majors? No. They all need a wakeup call, they need to learn that they are not there because they have the right to be there but that EACH of them has to earn their way back onto the roster.
Step 2: Smack Dead Weight upside his head. This punk has been a drag on the Blues for years. Sure he was on a cup winning team last year but he was INJURED! Not to mention the team had the thing that Doug has never shown, HEART!!! HEART!!! DAMD IT THEY PLAYED THEIR ASSES OFF! Weight coasts into the defensive zone, coasts into the offensive zone. Scoring goals isn’t everything Doug (and no one is impressed with your, what… 4 goals???)
Now, for Keith Kachoke… This was the one player on the Blues team three years ago that I thought worked. I do not feel that is true anymore. There is an infection in the team and it has taken hold of every player.
If the Blues want to root this out they need to crack down. They need to put some feet into the ass of some players. If a player does not skate for 60 minutes they sit for the next 60 minutes. If a player fails the next time then they get to be a beer vendor for the next game. Fail again and you stand out side with a sign that says “I have no heart, this is where you money goes!”
When the Blues players look around at the 12 fans that come to watch them play do they think there is a issue with loyalty or do they realize that they have insulted their fans with their lack of play. Fans will pay to see a team that works for 60 minutes but the Blues have proved that you cannot make someone come to a game to watch the other team get to practice with a bunch of pylons.
Sex for thought...
In a report on CNN (http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/12/19/premarital.sex.ap/index.html) 95% of people are having sex before marriage. I decided that statistic was not quite accurate so I have taken a poll of my household:
My wife: yes
Myself: yes
My 4 year old: What is that?
My 1 year old: I sorry
The dog: woof
The cat: .......
The fish: HELL YEAHHHH!!!
So there you have it, in the Jacks house it is only 2/7 or less than 25%.
Now, I know that is not a very good representation of the people in the US so I expanded my search to people on the street. After getting popped in the head a few times I was able to reach the following statistics:
Over 90% of people are having sex before marriage.
Of those having sex, 80% are having sex because they know there is no sex after marriage.
100% of the men are enjoying the sex while 30% of the women are wondering what is the big deal!
Of those having sex no one would admit to anal sex, except for the gay men of which 100% are taking up the ass. Athough no straight people would admit to getting screwed like this in bed most admitted they had taken it up the ass at work.
As long as I am making up statistics I would like to continue along with the following 'facts' for your enjoyment:
30% of married men are having sex with women who are 'premarital.'
69% of sex is the man on top
5% of sex is some crazy fucked up shit
Of course the most telling fact in my report is:
100% of the country has been fucked over by GW Bush!
(Wo)Men
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
World of Warcraft re Your Brains GetPedia.com
If you have not heard of Jonathan Coulton you really should check him out. Has some classicly funny stuff. His website is http://www.jonathancoulton.com There are a bunch of videos on YouTube with his stuff as the background music, here is one of my favorites from Warcraft. (This one is from Google Video because YouTube was not working with me). | |
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