FORD DIES OF BROKEN HEART
After learning of the death of American legend James Brown Gerald Ford decided he could not go on. He had suffered through falling down dozens of flights of airplane stairs, knowing that two Bushs were in the White House and that Clinton got a lot of bush in the oval office himself but the final straw was the loss of Brown.
Ford's last words were of course "Whoa-oa-oa! I don't feel good, I knew that I would, now I don't feel good, I knew that I would, now So not good, so not good..."
Because these things happen in threes K-Fed has decided not to leave his house, knowing that if two legends like Ford and Brown went out he is most likely next.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The St. Louis Bluesers
Today I read an article that stated: “The Blues have a lot to smile about after breaking their 11 game loosing streak with an IMPRESSIVE win over Pittsburgh 4-1.”
Now, lets ignore the fact that they lost 11 games in a row and have not won more than 2 games in a row all season or the fact that most of the players they picked up in the off season have Stanley Cups in their display cases. What we cannot ignore is that a 4-1 victory has been called ‘Impressive’ or that a team that has sunk so far that they lost their coach because the players no longer listened to him or that we have players who should be selling ice cream in the park. The Blues players lack one thing…
Heart.
Every night these overpaid pieces of has been hockey players go to sleep they should cry. They should think back to how much fun they had playing hockey when they were 6 years old (although from the way Dead Weight plays hockey I imagine he never really enjoyed the game). Now just to set the stage for you, I have seen a LOT of hockey in my life… can I quote you facts and figures on hockey players? No, because hockey is not something to be broken down by the numbers it is a game. It is something that can only be played from the heart (like any sport).
The Blues players step out on that ice and give it their all for a full 10, maybe 15 minutes. Most of the game they are just spectators as other teams blur by them on their way to another easy victory. They simply lack any work ethic, that is if they have any ethic at all. The loss of their coach proves that. The Blues players are so sad that they just up and decided to stop listening to their leader. The team quit on each other, their coach, and their fans.
The owners promised the fans that the Blues would not be outworked this season. That promise lasted till about 2 minutes into the second period of the first game.
For those that think I am just bitching, I have a solution for the Blues…
Step 1: Send EVERY player down to Peoria and bring the Rivermen up. Let a team that knows where their heart is play for a while. Is this a drastic step? Yes. Does any player on the Blues team deserve to stay in the majors? No. They all need a wakeup call, they need to learn that they are not there because they have the right to be there but that EACH of them has to earn their way back onto the roster.
Step 2: Smack Dead Weight upside his head. This punk has been a drag on the Blues for years. Sure he was on a cup winning team last year but he was INJURED! Not to mention the team had the thing that Doug has never shown, HEART!!! HEART!!! DAMD IT THEY PLAYED THEIR ASSES OFF! Weight coasts into the defensive zone, coasts into the offensive zone. Scoring goals isn’t everything Doug (and no one is impressed with your, what… 4 goals???)
Now, for Keith Kachoke… This was the one player on the Blues team three years ago that I thought worked. I do not feel that is true anymore. There is an infection in the team and it has taken hold of every player.
If the Blues want to root this out they need to crack down. They need to put some feet into the ass of some players. If a player does not skate for 60 minutes they sit for the next 60 minutes. If a player fails the next time then they get to be a beer vendor for the next game. Fail again and you stand out side with a sign that says “I have no heart, this is where you money goes!”
When the Blues players look around at the 12 fans that come to watch them play do they think there is a issue with loyalty or do they realize that they have insulted their fans with their lack of play. Fans will pay to see a team that works for 60 minutes but the Blues have proved that you cannot make someone come to a game to watch the other team get to practice with a bunch of pylons.
Today I read an article that stated: “The Blues have a lot to smile about after breaking their 11 game loosing streak with an IMPRESSIVE win over Pittsburgh 4-1.”
Now, lets ignore the fact that they lost 11 games in a row and have not won more than 2 games in a row all season or the fact that most of the players they picked up in the off season have Stanley Cups in their display cases. What we cannot ignore is that a 4-1 victory has been called ‘Impressive’ or that a team that has sunk so far that they lost their coach because the players no longer listened to him or that we have players who should be selling ice cream in the park. The Blues players lack one thing…
Heart.
Every night these overpaid pieces of has been hockey players go to sleep they should cry. They should think back to how much fun they had playing hockey when they were 6 years old (although from the way Dead Weight plays hockey I imagine he never really enjoyed the game). Now just to set the stage for you, I have seen a LOT of hockey in my life… can I quote you facts and figures on hockey players? No, because hockey is not something to be broken down by the numbers it is a game. It is something that can only be played from the heart (like any sport).
The Blues players step out on that ice and give it their all for a full 10, maybe 15 minutes. Most of the game they are just spectators as other teams blur by them on their way to another easy victory. They simply lack any work ethic, that is if they have any ethic at all. The loss of their coach proves that. The Blues players are so sad that they just up and decided to stop listening to their leader. The team quit on each other, their coach, and their fans.
The owners promised the fans that the Blues would not be outworked this season. That promise lasted till about 2 minutes into the second period of the first game.
For those that think I am just bitching, I have a solution for the Blues…
Step 1: Send EVERY player down to Peoria and bring the Rivermen up. Let a team that knows where their heart is play for a while. Is this a drastic step? Yes. Does any player on the Blues team deserve to stay in the majors? No. They all need a wakeup call, they need to learn that they are not there because they have the right to be there but that EACH of them has to earn their way back onto the roster.
Step 2: Smack Dead Weight upside his head. This punk has been a drag on the Blues for years. Sure he was on a cup winning team last year but he was INJURED! Not to mention the team had the thing that Doug has never shown, HEART!!! HEART!!! DAMD IT THEY PLAYED THEIR ASSES OFF! Weight coasts into the defensive zone, coasts into the offensive zone. Scoring goals isn’t everything Doug (and no one is impressed with your, what… 4 goals???)
Now, for Keith Kachoke… This was the one player on the Blues team three years ago that I thought worked. I do not feel that is true anymore. There is an infection in the team and it has taken hold of every player.
If the Blues want to root this out they need to crack down. They need to put some feet into the ass of some players. If a player does not skate for 60 minutes they sit for the next 60 minutes. If a player fails the next time then they get to be a beer vendor for the next game. Fail again and you stand out side with a sign that says “I have no heart, this is where you money goes!”
When the Blues players look around at the 12 fans that come to watch them play do they think there is a issue with loyalty or do they realize that they have insulted their fans with their lack of play. Fans will pay to see a team that works for 60 minutes but the Blues have proved that you cannot make someone come to a game to watch the other team get to practice with a bunch of pylons.
Sex for thought...
In a report on CNN (http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/12/19/premarital.sex.ap/index.html) 95% of people are having sex before marriage. I decided that statistic was not quite accurate so I have taken a poll of my household:
My wife: yes
Myself: yes
My 4 year old: What is that?
My 1 year old: I sorry
The dog: woof
The cat: .......
The fish: HELL YEAHHHH!!!
So there you have it, in the Jacks house it is only 2/7 or less than 25%.
Now, I know that is not a very good representation of the people in the US so I expanded my search to people on the street. After getting popped in the head a few times I was able to reach the following statistics:
Over 90% of people are having sex before marriage.
Of those having sex, 80% are having sex because they know there is no sex after marriage.
100% of the men are enjoying the sex while 30% of the women are wondering what is the big deal!
Of those having sex no one would admit to anal sex, except for the gay men of which 100% are taking up the ass. Athough no straight people would admit to getting screwed like this in bed most admitted they had taken it up the ass at work.
As long as I am making up statistics I would like to continue along with the following 'facts' for your enjoyment:
30% of married men are having sex with women who are 'premarital.'
69% of sex is the man on top
5% of sex is some crazy fucked up shit
Of course the most telling fact in my report is:
100% of the country has been fucked over by GW Bush!
(Wo)Men
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
World of Warcraft re Your Brains GetPedia.com
If you have not heard of Jonathan Coulton you really should check him out. Has some classicly funny stuff. His website is http://www.jonathancoulton.com There are a bunch of videos on YouTube with his stuff as the background music, here is one of my favorites from Warcraft. (This one is from Google Video because YouTube was not working with me). | |
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
We don't need another Bolton!
John Bolton will be stepping down from his appointment to the UN and taking up his spot along side Michael Bolton as guys with the name Bolton that American's cannot agree on.
This reporter heard someone say in a totaly out of context conversation "That Bolton can sing!" and someone else reponsded "Bolton doesn't sing you retard, he plays brass instruments" and still another guy said, "That is Michael Bolton and he does sing. Were talking about John Bolton... morons."
That conversation goes to prove that Americans belive John and Michael Bolton are singers and do not belong in the UN. It also proves that Americans don't really know John or Michael Bolton let alone any of the Boltons on this planet, which leads me to wonder, can you really know anyone?
It also leads me to wonder why the hell Michael Bolton is "Swinging" Sanatra...
John Bolton will be stepping down from his appointment to the UN and taking up his spot along side Michael Bolton as guys with the name Bolton that American's cannot agree on.
This reporter heard someone say in a totaly out of context conversation "That Bolton can sing!" and someone else reponsded "Bolton doesn't sing you retard, he plays brass instruments" and still another guy said, "That is Michael Bolton and he does sing. Were talking about John Bolton... morons."
That conversation goes to prove that Americans belive John and Michael Bolton are singers and do not belong in the UN. It also proves that Americans don't really know John or Michael Bolton let alone any of the Boltons on this planet, which leads me to wonder, can you really know anyone?
It also leads me to wonder why the hell Michael Bolton is "Swinging" Sanatra...
Pay Pal Dial-up service!
Below is an email a co-worker in the IT department received:
Hi Adrian,
Just wondering if you can give Teresa pay pal on her computer so that she may access the intranet bulletin when out of the office.
Let me know!
Thanks!
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
XXXXXXXX
Sr. Marketing & Communications Manager
- - -
INROADS, Inc.
XXXXXXXX
--- We are excited to find out that Pay Pal is now offering remote dial up service!
(The program we use is called "Pal").
Below is an email a co-worker in the IT department received:
Hi Adrian,
Just wondering if you can give Teresa pay pal on her computer so that she may access the intranet bulletin when out of the office.
Let me know!
Thanks!
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
XXXXXXXX
Sr. Marketing & Communications Manager
- - -
INROADS, Inc.
XXXXXXXX
--- We are excited to find out that Pay Pal is now offering remote dial up service!
(The program we use is called "Pal").
Baby gets Drunk... accidentaly
This story (http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/12/04/baby.drunk.ap/index.html) out of Colorado Springs, Colorado begs the drunk driving excuse:
"I'm sorry officer... I accidently drank that six pack" or "I'm sorry officer, I accidently started driving my car after drinking that fifth of vodka, killing that stripper, and cutting her head off."
Maybe that excuse will work for OJ...
"I'm sorry, I accidently stabbed my ex-wife and her lover over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over..."
This story (http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/12/04/baby.drunk.ap/index.html) out of Colorado Springs, Colorado begs the drunk driving excuse:
"I'm sorry officer... I accidently drank that six pack" or "I'm sorry officer, I accidently started driving my car after drinking that fifth of vodka, killing that stripper, and cutting her head off."
Maybe that excuse will work for OJ...
"I'm sorry, I accidently stabbed my ex-wife and her lover over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over..."
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